The Quiet Ecstasies of Solitude

I had not seen anyone for four weeks except the postman when he had a special delivery and a Jehovah’s Witness who just apologised and trotted away when he looked into my eyes, which I think may have been glowing.
The special delivery was a food hamper from my mother. She sends one every four weeks because she knows I won’t eat otherwise. I listen to music constantly and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. Sometimes I look at the ceiling and it moves and shapes form in the white and I can smell them. They glisten and they smell like plastic flowers. One time I read war and peace in one sitting while leaning against the washing machine and washing every item of clothing I had just to hear the hum and rumble and feel the vibrations down my back. Once I drank four litres of water and held it in for seven and a half hours and when I finally went for a piss the surge and electricity of it was so overwhelming that I wanted to cry and shout and laugh at the same time and with the whole bursting heart of me needed someone or something to thank for the pure bliss my body was giving me in this physical outpouring but there was nobody and I was alone so I wrote a letter to the water company explaining my story:

Dear Crystal Water,

After ingesting four litres of your colourless and odourless but oh so refreshing bottled water I had the most magnificent urinary event which my words could hardly bear testament to, however I feel an urgency almost as great as the urgency I fought for several hours to wet myself on the sofa watching the entire Star Wars trilogy and then surfing Ceefax looking at the following days television listings that I must write this letter even though I have no expectations of a reply on your part. It was really the most wondrous experience I have felt since I can remember. It was like a climax. I am sorry if this comes across as crude or otherwise unpleasant but I would actually recommend it for a method of transforming reality, because afterwards I was quite literally transfigured, in so far as my consciousness became a pure eruption of constant and vital being. I hope this makes sense. Anyway, thanks again for an excellent seven hours and ninety eight seconds.

Sincerely,

Adam J Plight


They didn’t reply of course.